Attachment

It's that pit in the bottom of your stomach. I have this feeling that I cannot remove. This downright, immersed feeling. Sometimes its hits me like a shit ton of bricks, blindsided by this circling, resurfacing, generation of energy. It can be in one expression, one glance, one pulse. Or come creeping at night or over a long period of time. I look at it and I know. I feel it so hard that I question everything about it. Every motive. I simply deteriorate it and degrade it down, as if it cannot be true. Or possibly real. What in the hell does anyone deserve anyways. Someone once told me that we were already winning because we were born white and in America. I think we're losing. I wish I saw life for the rawness that it is. For its survival. I wish someone would smack me and scream in my face: LOOK AT ALL OF THIS POSITIVE SHIT ALL AROUND YOU. And then some little switch far off in my brain would click. And I would be normal. You keep me grounded in no way anyone ever has.

The Letter X

silver beaded threads of sweat swimming through ecstacy.
plurarilty. duality. a vaccumm of air. no sound;
no speach.

immobilized paradise.

A Mixture Of Colors

If I could write any thing at all, it would be to tell you that it mattered. that every instant, every waking itching movement felt real. that in a deep inhale of smoky, purified mist, it mattered.

but wait. steady path. steer clear.

action.

The internet makes me feel so permanent. That idea and thought in and of itself is scary.

Political Science 150; World Problems

So the class is interesting. So I like the professor. So I have a huge midterm tomorrow.

We have two huge grades in that class... the final and the midterm. And I cannot focus or study for the life of me. It is killing me. I feel like since I've gotten to college my study habits have decresed significantly. I do not know what is wrong with me. A little part of my brain is just turning off and not allowing me to focus or digest anything. I can't even care enough about my grades to study. My grades use to drive me.

Of course, I am only writing this blog entry to escape studying for a few moments longer. How do people do it? How do they continue to work so hard, through high school, college and then even after college...

Maybe I should quit procrastinating. Time to study.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness.."

The title of this post is from a Kid Cudi song. And lately I guess I've been thinking a lot about happiness and what it is exactly.

Happiness was never something I thought you had to work for, until about 2 and a half years ago. I finally came to the realization that every day you wake up, you determine how that day will turn it. As cliche as all of this sounds, I do not really care. Everything is cliche at this point. No one says anything someone has not thought of before... or written or spoken. But I'm getting off topic. It took me a lot of time to become the person I am today. I guess I just finally feel like I am growing up. And that is a bitter sweet feeling...

Well, for 2010 I decided I would take one more shot at keeping a consistent blog that I update and do not forget about. So here's another shot at getting my voice heard.